Trigger warning: mental health issues, depression, and death
I would say it’s a miracle that I still get to write this.
I’ve lost count of how many times I told my husband that I no longer wanted to continue with my life because I felt useless, worthless, and hopeless. Ever since I’ve become a mother.
I know, I know. Becoming a mother is an honor, a privilege that not all women get to have. Pasalamat ako may anak ako, oo. Pasalamat ako na pwede akong mag-resign sa work. But there are days when it feels easier to give up than to fight, and it’s not our fault.
Sabi kasi nila, when you become a mother, it’s the best thing that will ever happen to you. But there’s a fine print: you might lose yourself in the process, if you try to do it all on your own.
My turning point
It was on October 9, 2021 when I took the brave step to consult a psychologist. Sabi ko, birthday gift ko na sa sarili ko. My daughter was only two years old then. May mga episodes ako na sa sobrang frustrated ko sa sarili ko, sa pagiging unemployed ko, at sa pandemic, na muntik ko na siyang masaktan. As a former Bantay Bata 163 reporter, alam ko ang effects ng physical abuse sa bata, kaya hurting my children was one thing I swore I will never do.
So when that moment came na I shouted at her and almost hurt her, I paused and said, “Hindi na ako ‘to. Something’s wrong with me and I have to fix it.”
I booked an online appointment with a psychologist, and I told her everything, down to the details. All of my thoughts and feelings. She confirmed I went through postpartum depression. Sobrang gaan ng pakiramdam ko after ko malaman na, ayun, it was depression taking over me. I was motivated to become better.
Fast forward to my second child, four years after, I thought I was okay, pero may times din na I feel, nagrerelapse yung depression ko, especially that I’m unemployed again. Pero nilalabanan ko, with faith and my support system, I am still here.
So here I am, taking this moment to share what I want other people to know.
Three things I want people to know
1. Please, yakapin ninyo ang mga Bagong Nanay.
Kahit ano pang sabihin ninyo, new moms are in the most vulnerable season of their lives. After giving birth, their hormones are all over the place, their body is recovering, and the pressure to figure it all out is just so hard. Thus, their mental health should be protected at all costs.
Please, don’t ever think that you’ve done everything to help them. Don’t ever think na sila ang may problema at hindi ikaw. Kasi they need help to transition from only thinking about themselves to suddenly caring for a tiny human being, and that’s not very easy.
Intindihin natin sila. Tulungan natin sila. Pasayahin natin sila. Love them. Tell them they are beautiful. Remind them that they are amazing. Let them know that they are seen, valued, and loved, not just their baby.
2. Bagong Nanays, you don’t have to do it alone.
Oo, nakaka-boost ng morale when you say “Wala kaming yaya,” or “Wala kaming help.” I get it. It feels like achievement mo that you are hands-on with your child. But when it gets hard, please. Ask for help. Kung hindi afford, baka may iba pang way. Exhaust all possible ways.
Let me break it to you: in the end, walang award for the mom who never asked for help. But your kids will remember you if you’re the mom who took care of herself. The mom who craves for me time and gets it. The mom who is filled with joy. Hindi ako nagpapa-manipedi type of mom. Pero pag gusto ko mag-meet with my friends, I tell my husband and we plan for it. We make a way for it.
We’re not meant to do this all alone, all to ourselves. We need a village. Nanay lang tayo, hindi tayo Diyos. And that means, we need the Lord. We must seek Him every day, in every decision, in every moment.
It’s okay to ask for help. Even the best fall down sometimes, sabi nga ni Howie Day.
3. Makakabalik rin tayo.
Minsan, mas madali tumingin sa mga wala tayo kaysa sa mga meron tayo. Wala nga akong work sa ngayon, pero meron akong time ihatid sundo ang anak ko, i-serve ang asawa ko, at mag-explore ng pwedeng pagkakitaan. Now more than ever, mas nakikita ko yung reason why kailangan ko munang mag-step back sa career para sa mga anak kong maliliit dahil gusto ko solid yung foundation nila bago ko sila i-expose sa mundo.
Makakabalik rin tayo. Ngayon pa nga lang one year old yung anak ko, hindi na niya ako hinahanap pag lumalabas ako ng bahay. Nararamdaman ko na ulit na malapit na akong magka-free time. Paano pa kung nasa school na silang dalawa ng ate niya? Ano nang gagawin ko? Pwedeng bumalik sa workforce, pwede ring hindi na. Pwedeng magsimula ng business kung saan masaya ka sa ginagawa mo at hawak mo ang oras mo.
One night, my daughter told me, “You’re the best mom in the world because you’re my only mama and you are always free to be with me.” Grabe, I realized it was the only validation that matters.
@bagongnanay A friend asked me the other day, “Tama ba, housewife ka now?” Dati naooffend pa ako, pero ngayon, it’s an honor and a privilege. UP graduate, walang work? Haha. Please talk to my daughter. 🤠#fyp#foryou#bagongnanay#sahm#momtok♬ Little Things – Adrián Berenguer
Hindi mo kailangang magpa-pressure sa mga tao sa paligid mo, na dapat ganito ka kasi ganun sila. Stay in your lane. Focus on your finish line. Compete with yourself. Invest in yourself para pag dumating yung araw na sayong-sayo na yung oras mo, hindi ka mangangapa. Sabi nga nila, walang nanay ang nag-regret na niyakap niya, nakipaglaro siya, at binigay niya ang oras niya para sa kanyang mga anak.
If there’s one thing I know the Lord wants me to tell you, it’s this: You are still here for a reason.
Nabasa ko nga online, “This is not your practice life. This is all there is.” Insist on your joy.
Kung kailangan mo ng tulong, go. Kung gusto mo magpahinga, go. Say it. Ask for it. Demand for it. Work on it. Because you deserve it. You deserve to take up space just because you are you.
Yun lang.
And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Happy birthday to me. Praise God.
October is Mental Health Awareness Month in the Philippines. Listen to this podcast by Bianca Gonzalez with a psychologist.
Bagong Nanay 